KJs World

How is technology impacting our romantic relationships in this current era of digitization? As someone who aspires to be a relationship, sex, and intimacy therapist, this is a question that seems to be especially pressing. Navigating technology use in relationships is a relatively new phenomenon, and research points out that many couples are struggling to healthily integrate technology into their relationships. According to Pew Research Center, 51% of those surveyed in a committed relationship indicate that “their partner is often or sometimes distracted while they are trying to have a conversation,” and 4 in 10 of these participants claim to be bothered by how much time their partners spend using technology. This research came to no surprise for me, and made me recall some feelings that came up in some of my past relationships. I remember being super frustrated and insecure with a past partner for the lack of presence I would often feel from them due to technology use. My main love language is quality time, and it felt as if technology use was taking away from what I needed and building a barrier between us, blocking off connection. Furthermore, a study done by Utah State University found that “higher levels of technology use..adds up to significantly less time spent together as a couple, less satisfaction and connection, and higher levels of depression and anxiety.” Overall, it appears that the biggest challenge we are up against concerning technology use in relationships is remembering what it looks like to stay present and connected with one another. There is a common theme in many couple focused research studies pointing to the importance of quality (undistracted) time spent together, and how technology use is seemingly stripping that away from us.

If I were to lead a workshop on campus to protect and strengthen couples that are struggling with technology use, I would intentionally center it around preserving the sacredness of quality time between two people. The first skill I would teach is what it looks like to purposefully set aside time for connection without technology present. For some couples, this would look like time blocking it into a daily planner, or for others perhaps building it into weekly routines. Another suggestion I would give is to create technology free zones within the home, specifically within the bedroom. The bedroom, for many couples, tends to be a space that fosters intimacy and connection. It is usually the most private place in the home, besides the bathroom. Not only would eliminating technology in the bedroom improve sleep hygiene, but would create a concrete space where the couple can be present and tuned in to the moment and with each other. Lastly, I think one of the most harmful things technology is doing to us is stripping us from boredom. This statement may seem confusing at first, but from boredom comes brainstorming and self-discovery, or discovery of one another. Boredom pushes us to be out of the box and intentional with how we decide to spend our time. I think one of the reasons people are scared to move away from technology is because they don’t know what to do without it. An exercise and skill I would teach couples is how to embrace boredom, and brainstorm ideas and activities they can do without their technology present. That way, they are more inclined to disconnect from technology, as they have been prepared with the knowledge and reassurance that there are activities to do that don’t involve technology.

While most of this workshop would be focused on how to reduce technology use to aid couples relationships, it’s also important to acknowledge that technology isn’t going anywhere. It is just as important to learn how to live with it healthily as it is to decrease time spent using it. The last part of my workshop would be spent teaching couples skills to healthily function when technology is present. This includes how to communicate boundaries surrounding technology; what are you okay with your partner doing online? What are your boundaries surrounding porn, or interacting with others social media posts? Another skill is learning how to make technology use something two people can do together, such as playing games together or having some sort of media that both parties are interested in. There are definitely ways couples can connect through technology, and bettering relationships does not by any means look like cutting technology out completely.

I believe couples workshops centering technology use are going to be more and more prevalent in coming years. I am curious to see what these workshops will look like once they come into more popular demand: Will they be focused on cutting down on technology use, or just learning to better function with it present? The answer to this may be completely circumstantial, dependent on the specific couple. This leads to only bigger questions for future research, are workshops and group therapy settings inclusive? Creating strategies to help diverse groups of people struggling with the same problem allows for a lot of assumptions to be made. How can we make these group workshops more tailored and inclusive to the specific couples seeking help, rather than centered around the assumptions we make of what the masses look like?


Sources:

Reese, Julene. “New Study Shows Impact of Technology on Relationships.” Utah State University, 18 Nov. 2019, www.usu.edu/today/story/new-study-shows-impact-of-technology-on-relationships.


Vogels, Emily A., and Monica Anderson. “Dating and Relationships in the Digital Age.” Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech, Pew Research Center, 5 June 2021, www.pewresearch.org/internet/2020/05/08/dating-and-relationships-in-the-digital-age/.